Memories, Regrets and Lessons. Part 1
I've been thinking a lot about things that I experienced and whether they have had a lasting imprint on me as a person. Certainly the fact that I have these memories, is evidence that they made an impression. Some of them are clear as day, and the feelings I had when I experienced them rise up in me as fresh as the moment they happened.
As I get older there is a lot of reflection about what I allowed and experienced as a young woman. I may have shared this particular story before, but I have some more things to work out within myself, and therefore, there may be lessons to be learned by others from my experience in reading about it in a different form - so here you are.
MEMORY: Years of being sexually harassed and assaulted at work when I was in college. (Nothing like coming in hot…right?)
This happened in a very well known camera shop In Boston, near Government center. It was the bosses husband. (he was second in command).
I needed the job. I was broke. In college. Living with my mom. And the job itself, I loved. Who I worked for - I hated.
I sucked it up, shoved it down and put up with the grabby hands, the inappropriate catcalls, the wise cracks about my legs, my ass, my breasts, what I was wearing... But I had my limit, I had a red line in the sand but I didn’t know it at the time - because most of the time I felt vulnerable and totally powerless. But one day, this jerk crossed it.
He violently pulled me into his lap, in front of a regular customer and then joked about the "great benefits" of working there. They had a split second to chuckle and then…
I immediately sprung up out of his lap and his very tight grasp and yelled "dont you ever Fu$%ing touch me again".
Moments later I was pulled into the "office" by his wife - my boss. I thought "Finally she witnessed something and I will have an ally" Nope. Instead of being a decent human, she told me that if I ever swore in front of a customer again, I was fired. Not even a “he’s just a jerk” or “he was just kidding” she made perfectly clear that the rules were that he could do whatever sick thing he wanted to do, and I was to deal with it.
I knew this was wrong. I had feminists in my family. My mother burned her bra when I was a kid. (look it up, it was a thing). I knew I should have power as a women, but I didnt. In that moment, at that time in my life, I felt completely powerless.
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At that age, I did not know of (and maybe there weren’t) resources for this kind of harassment. I did not know that I had any power at all. It felt as if I had none. To complicate the matter this couple was part of my circle of "friends". They were interconnected with the guy I was seeing - who also worked there, and he too was not phased by the behavior chalking it up to the guy being just a guy. (red flag? - you betcha! - did I see it? - I did not). We are not particularly bright in our 20s, or at least I wasn’t.
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REGRET: After I finally left that hell hole, a former co-worker reached out and asked me if I would join her in suing the family for sexual harassment in the workplace. I declined. I didnt even think about it. I said no. It would have been difficult on a lot of levels and I didn’t think it would go anywhere because - well - to date I had never seen anything like this end well for a woman. Things always seemed to favor the guy - or the perpetrator. Plus, I was too worried about a number of other things, namely - what people would think of me bringing this up years after not working there.
Had I to do it over again, I would have joined her in a millisecond. I would have jumped into that pool head first and would not have let it go until we had squashed him like a bug. But I didn’t. I do not even recall my ex coworkers name, I don’t know if she ever went through with it.
And if you are out there - I am sorry, deeply sorry that I didn’t join your efforts to keep him from keeping his disgusting behavior out of the workplace - or anywhere else. And I hope that you are ok. Because some days, I am not. I know this stuff gets stuffed into our DNA and shuffled around and becomes part of us as humans. And for me this is only one tiny facet of the things I experienced as a young person. They add up. I hope for you, this was it, and you found your strength and moved on.
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LESSON: No one is more important than you. Not your spouse, not your boyfriend and certainly not your boss. Do not put anyone else ahead of your well being. And, also - never walk away from a chance to help another woman struggling with the things you have gone through.
You need to protect - you - from hurt, and danger. From those people who will do you harm should they get the opportunity. No one else is as good a caretaker of you and your mind and body as you are. But we also need to support each other as women. It ain’t easy out there. And not a lot has changed in a the past few decades unfortunately.
I realize that it is easy for me to say that as a 55 year old woman who has moved on, and is beginning to finally discover who she is. I have enough money in the bank to know that I have some semblance of security. A privilege (hard earned) that a very many women of any age do not have.
When we are young, or poor, or both, it is really easy to let “little things” go. An inappropriate comment, a touch on the shoulder guiding you through a door or to your seat. Wondering if the brush up against your knee was an accident or not. Taking the catcalls in stride.
But those little things sometimes add up inside of us. Sometimes they eat you up from the inside out. They take a seat in there and make themselves comfy, and bubble up decades later to remind you of where you came from. For good or bad.
Protect your most valuable assets; Your mind, your body, your ideas. You are more than the catcalls, you are more than the “innocent” touches. You are a whole person who deserves to be respected for all of the parts of yourself.
Protect you.
